To Thine Own Self Be Zoo Volume 1 Issue 1 Issue 2 Issue 3 Issue 4 Issue 5 Issue 6 Issue 7 Issue 8 Issue 9 Issue 10 Issue 11 Issue 12 Issue α Volume 2 Issue 1 Issue β Issue 2 Issue 3 -Issue 4- Volume 3 Issue 1 Issue 2 Issue 3 Issue γ Issue 4 Volume 4 Issue 1 |  | Volume 2, Issue 4 Jaguar Herpes Wicked Talents And in Dream I Twenty Thousand Units Down A Poem
# Jaguar Herpes PATIENT is sitting in a chair in a doctor’s office. As he is idly looking around, he scratches his groin, but quickly stops when he hears a knock at the door. After the knock, DOCTOR enters. She sits down in her swivel chair, and looks at PATIENT. She gives him a look as though she’s puzzling something out, tilting her head and putting a hand to her chin. DOCTOR Your lab results came back, you have jaguar herpes. PATIENT immediately defensive: Is “jaguar” like, a specific version of normal herpes? DOCTOR It’s herpes that you get from having sex with a jaguar. Big cat with the spots. PATIENT Do jaguars even have herpes? DOCTOR Yes all of them, it’s one of the only STIs an animal can give to a human actually. In most cases we’re different species and the STIs kinda just bounce off, so if you’re looking at bestiality, PATIENT interrupting: Woah woah woah, no one has said anything about BESTIALITY. DOCTOR Well, it’s, jaguar herpes. You get it from having sex with a jaguar. PATIENT Could it happen if like, someone was AROUND a jaguar? DOCTOR amused: It’s not airborne. PATIENT But like, if a jaguar sat somewhere, and then later a human sat there, is there like, a chance that maybe her rash could get onto him? DOCTOR No. PATIENT Not even a one in a thousand chance? DOCTOR It’s transmitted by a jaguar’s sloppy pussy juice interacting with a human’s precum and then going back up the dickhole, it’s innate unless the jaguar is VERY aroused and the human penis is SIGNIFICANTLY involved. PATIENT Okay okay okay sure, but a human can also get it from ANOTHER HUMAN who has it. DOCTOR No the jaguar pussy juice is crucial. PATIENT Ugh, well, maybe someone was just, working on jaguar breeding and then ate lunch without washing their hands? DOCTOR Yuck. PATIENT Well I’m just saying! It sounds like there could be a lot of different ways it COULD spread around! DOCTOR Nnnno it’s from having sex with a jaguar. The first research papers on it actually said “masturbating using a jaguar” even to refer to like, an alive, aroused jaguar. PATIENT Oh that’s weird. DOCTOR Right? PATIENT Huh. Pause. PATIENT scratches his groin. Then he suddenly moves his hand away, and says, PATIENT Sorry. DOCTOR totally nonjudgmental, “nah don’t worry about it”: No I understand. PATIENT I just think there must be other tests we can do, to figure out if it might be something else. DOCTOR What do you do for a living? PATIENT busted. I work in a... zoo. DOCTOR What’s your job in the zoo? PATIENT Security guard. DOCTOR Do you work days, nights? PATIENT Nights. Awkward pause. DOCTOR It’s probably jaguar herpes. PATIENT It’s probably jaguar herpes. DOCTOR Shortly before the itching started do you recall if you had sex with a jaguar? PATIENT Shortly before the itching started... it is true... that I did... now that you mention it... have a little bit of sex with a jaguar. She was eyefucking me through the glass, how could I not get in there, you know? DOCTOR flourishes a prescription paper: Take one of these every day for the itching, also kangaroos have gonorrhea and most gorillas have syphilis. # ζ Most within To Thine Own Self Be Zoo written by Eggshell Ghosthearth. This website contains works of literature, including narrative fiction, creative nonfiction, and poetry. Within this literature, any resemblances to any existing copyrighted materials, trademarks, or persons is completely coincidental, or is used for artistic purposes within the bounds of Public Domain, Fair Use, or Public Figure Status. Much of the literature on this site contains themes of sexuality, though is at no point intended to be pornographic. To Thine Own Self Be Zoo is a personal project and is not a for-profit endeavor.