True Thoughts

Definitely John *******'s True Thoughts On Zoophilia, first in the
series of partially redacted real life celebrities' true thoughts
about romance, sex, and empathy between humans and nonhuman
animals as informed by their life experiences.

One day on August 7th, when John ******* was twenty years old, he
and his friend (let's call him Leslie) were each drinking from
their own bottle of Wild Turkey Kentucky straight bourbon whiskey
as they sat below a birch tree at night, looking out at the
shimmering moonlit waters of Lake Lester. Leslie had secretly
poured his bottle into a pitcher and placed the pitcher in the
fridge, and filled his Wild Turkey bottle with water for the
night. Having been friends since they were kids, and having
recently moved in together as roommates, Leslie was planning to
tell something to John that he had only recently come to terms
with about himself.

As laughter from a dirty limerick John had recited faded off,
Leslie saw his window of opportunity. Leslie said, "John, I have
to tell you something."

John responded with silence, listening attentively.

"I'm not attracted to people. To humans, I mean. I have sex with
horses instead."

In front of the moonlit Lake Lester, John and Leslie hugged.

The next day, John did not remember this conversation or even that
they had gone to the lake, as he had already been blacked out for
several hours. Over the course of the next few weeks, Leslie would
often make observations about attractive horses on the TV, in
paintings, in books, and in sculptures, and John would laugh these
observations off as jokes. Sometimes Leslie did sort of mean them
as jokes, and so he took it all in stride. Then one day, when John
and Leslie were walking through a nature trail and happened to
pass by a farmer's field where horses were grazing, Leslie hornily
whistled.

"Okay, what is WITH you lately?" John finally asked.

Leslie was hurt by this. "I really thought you were cool about it
man."

"Cool about WHAT?" John asked.

As the conversation continued they both realized what had
happened, and although in doing so Leslie had essentially outed
himself anyways, he made a point of formally coming out once
again: he was not attracted to humans; he was attracted to horses.
On the nature trail by the field with the grazing horses, John and
Leslie hugged, and John dared Leslie to climb over the fence and
do one there in broad daylight for God and the world to see, which
Leslie, feeling embiggened, did. John watched pridefully.

To this day, John endorses sexual relations between humans and
horses. He does think dog zoos are weird. He thinks they're
probably cool and all, he's just a bit weirded out by it, like,
that's the family dog, how are you going to look at that and think
sexy thoughts. Again, he thinks they're probably cool and he's
happy to look the other way, he just personally doesn't get it.