A Letter of Complaints

The model 21-21 is, with the stark exception of three enormous
flaws, utterly astounding. When one pets it, it feels exactly like
petting a real yellow lab: the smoothity of the fur, and the
subtle heat of the skin underneath if you dig in your hand against
the grain and press your fingertips in to the skin at the base of
the hairs. Every whisker is of perfect placement and length, the
eyes are like living gems, the pawpads are at once soft and yet
terse and a slight bit ragged around the edges, and when locked
around your hips, one has never felt so securely held. The
improvement in battery life to three hours of continuous active
use deserves a standing ovation. Make no mistake: I write to your
team as a long time customer and enjoyer of your business's
creations. If a day has passed when I have not made use of some
21- model, then a day has passed that was wasted.

We must come, though, to the reason of this letter, which is,
unfortunately, to highlight the 21-21's blatant flaws. Not one of
these flaws is new, but they are reaching a pattern of being
ignored by you that is becoming impossible to forgive. If you
cannot write me back with a signed promise that every one of these
flaws will be addressed in the next model, then I can promise you
now that the release of the 21-22 will see one fewer customer.

Now. To give brief preface to the first flaw. If I were to hold
the engorged penis of a live dog in one hand, and the engorged
penis of a 21-21 in the other, I would not be able to tell you
which one was which. Except, of course, for the one dead giveaway,
which is the horrid CLUNK that occurs when the 21-21's penis is
bent backwards! A dog's penis can move to face backwards with
ease! It is an essential aspect of their mating behavior, that the
male, after penetrating the female while facing one way, will
dismount and remain penetrating the female while facing the other
way. It does not pain the male, unless done exceptionally poorly,
and the pivoting of the penis from forward-facing to backward-
facing occurs as one brief and smooth motion! It does not CLUNK
halfway through like my grandmother's jalopy shifting gears! It
can be easily understood that designs may begin imperfectly, and
improve over time. But your team has had years. YEARS. to address
this key flaw which has existed since the Sirius alpha. Every
other joint of the 21-21 moves as fluidly as purified water. I
have seen topic after topic raised in community forums, FOR YEARS,
of your customers asking if their 21- is defective, or whether
there are plans to fix this shudder-inducing failure of
engineering in the next version. Years, people. You have made it
clear that you have no such plans to fix this. The anus of the
21-21 morphs itself perfectly to being kissed as though it is
kissing the user back, and pulses in perfect harmony with the
21-21's simulated penile orgasms. And yet, STILL, there is that
CLUNK when turning its penis back. What the technical hurdle is, I
cannot imagine, but it will not stand, if you hope for your valued
customers to continue to back your products. I have made my point
there. On to flaw number two.

What, do you suppose, customers wanted out of the 21-21? I can
assure you, in spite of what your marketing propagandists put
forth, it was not the addition of human voice options. BOLD of
you, by the way, to make that the DEFAULT option, when every beta
tester of this product I have spoken to turned that feature off as
the very first thing they did, and switched it back to the panting
and happy barking of a dog. Of the very few who ever wanted a 21-
model to speak in human words, they had installed their own
modifications already, I assure you. The human voice was an
unwanted solution to a manufactured problem: it was never the
selling point of the 21-21. If I wanted a human model, I would go
to some other company and get a human model! What do you think I
want next, for the 21-22 to make my pancakes in the morning? I
will make my own damn pancakes! "To be a companion more real than
ever before," your marketing said. To be clear, and this is not
empty flattery, but the utmost truth: as a multiple-times-daily
user of the 21-20 model, that model was in very few ways lesser
than a live bedroom playmate, and in many ways improved. The
ability to call for an emergency deflation of the knot. The
ability for them to go for longer than just a handful of eager
thrusts. The rounded-off claws that can sensibly retract rather
than injuring the submissive's skin, my hips thank you for. We
all, of course, remember how the 21-14 at launch was in fact TOO
realistic in its mounting behavior, and video sharing boards were
plagued with disinteresting media of actresses boredly assuming
the position for upwards of twenty minutes waiting for the 21- to
hit the mark, but this was fixed quickly in a patch which allowed
user control of the 21-'s technique, with "realistic" still an
option, but "dream fuck" being an instant smash success in the
community. "To be a companion more real than ever before..." And
yet, we come now to the second key flaw of the 21-21: it has no
behavior at all outside of the bedroom. It can flirt, it can
dominate, it can submit, it can respond to feedback and improve
every aspect of its sex techniques, and yet, it cannot go for a
WALK, for it has no instinct to walk in front of its leash-holder.
It cannot catch a BALL! It doesn't even LOOK at the ball when it's
thrown! When a customer seeks a product as sophisticated as the
21- is, they are looking for more than a dildo machine. How many
of us have gone to sleep snuggling their 21-, and been distressed
to find it stiff and unresponsive in the morning, battery dead? We
know that these things are not alive, not really, but we do think
of them as though they were all the same: that is the fantasy.
That is the POINT, of YOUR product. I understand it may take some
iterations before a 21- and I can blend in seamlessly at the dog
park as a pre-sex date. But the fact that I cannot even toss a
treat to it afterwards without it plinking off the dumb thing's
head makes it no wonder that so many would-be customers say a 21-
couldn't replace the real thing for them.

For the first two complaints, I was able to lead in with some
positive preamble. The 21-21's penis is truly very good, it merely
has one noteworthy defect. The 21-21's behavioral programming is
everything a first-time customer would think to ask for, it merely
has an area that is underdeveloped for more devoted appreciators.
With this third flaw though, I cannot lead in with anything kind.
I can only say it as plainly as the sun is bright in the hopes
that it sinks in through the skull of whoever may read this on the
design team. How, in the name of GOD, THE LORD, THE CREATOR, THE
HOLY GHOST, YAHWEH, I AM THAT I AM, CHRIST THE SAVIOR, and ANY
other name you can think to call him by, HOW, does the 21-21 STILL
NOT FEATURE ANY SMELLS? You pat its head, and it is warm and soft:
you bury your nose in its head, and it's like burying your nose in
a dollar store broom! Its pawpads smell like NOTHING! Its sheath
has NO musk! Eating its ass is like tonguing at a piece of hairy
gum that you had already chewed all the flavor out of a week ago!
I do understand completely that not all smells are for everyone,
and some customers may even be turned off by dog smells that were
in any way accurate. LET THOSE COWARDS SUFFER. Or, as a
compromise, MAKE SMELLS AN OPTIONAL FEATURE. The fact that smells
have not even been ATTEMPTED, for a creature as perfectly scented
as the dog, is disgraceful, and you will never regain favor in my
sight or in my wallet until an earnest step has been made towards
remedying this error.