If I Weren't A Zoophile Skit

In this skit format, all performers stand side by side facing the
audience. Together, all performers sing the following chorus:

Ohhhhhhhh,
If I weren't a Zoophile
There's nothing I'd rather be!
But if I weren't a Zoophile,

Then, the performer furthest to one side will step forward and
announce what they would be, and do a little chant about it twice.
After this, all performers sing the chorus again. Then, the next
person down the line announces what they would be, does a little
chant about their role twice, and repeats themselves as the first
person does their chant again over the top of them. This repeats,
until by the end all performers are shouting their different
chants over the top of one another. In the end, the chorus is sung
one last time in a modified fashion, where the performers announce
in a heartfelt tone, "Why, there's nothing I'd rather be."

Ohhhhhhhh,
If I weren't a Zoophile
Why, there's nothing I'd rather be.

The chants of each performer are generally accompanied by a little
pantomime or dance that relates to what they are chanting.

Some performers may have a role where they break from the format
in a comedic way, often to do some kind of interaction with the
other performers or with the audience.

Depending on the number of performers participating, a variety of
roles can be used or discarded. Performers may also come up with
their own roles that are not listed here if they'd like to! But
these are some ideas for roles that a performer may have.

This is a version of the skit that would have nine roles: A Furry,
A Dog Breeder, A Philosopher, A Pirate, A Werewolf, A Tree, A
Bear, A Faunophile, and A Loser.

A Furry

The furry does a cute little dance, perhaps swiping with hands
that are balled up like paws, and then striking a cheerleading
pose.

Why, a furry I would be!

UwU, Maws are hot!
Also I like tails and knots!

A Dog Breeder

The dog breeder does a cheesy seductive dance, rocking left and
right as they chant.

Why, a dog breeder I would be!

Take my hand Lucky,
It's time to make a puppy!

A Philosopher

The philosopher stands upright with a grave demeanor, hands
clasped behind their back. Perhaps they gesticulate with one hand,
or place the hand on their chin in thought. Or, perhaps their
hands simply remain clasped behind their back. Rather than
repeating the same line over and over again, the philosopher
improvises new variations on their line each time it is said.

Why, a philosopher I would be!

What IS an animal?
Is a human an animal?
Is a dog an animal?
Is a fish an animal?
Is a muskrat an animal?
Is a tree an animal?
Is the planet an animal?
Is the moon an animal?
Is God an animal?
(Turning to an adjacent performer) Are YOU an animal?

A Pirate

The pirate gesticulates with a hand that is balled into a fist but
with one curled finger extended, mimicking a hook hand. They close
one eye and snarl, mimicking an eyepatch and a gruff demeanor.
Doing a pirate voice and projecting at a very loud volume is
encouraged.

Why, a pirate I would be!

Mermaid, manatee,
Capture either one for me!

A Werewolf

The werewolf holds all fingers out splayed and curled like claws,
crouches, and generally assumes the posture a werewolf might be
seen to have. The werewolf breaks from format, merely howling for
arbitrary lengths of time as everyone else chants to the same
measures they had been doing before. Sometimes the werewolf may
turn and howl while facing away from the audience.

Why, a werewolf I would be!

Awooooooooooooo!
Awooooooooooooooo!
Awooooo!
Awooooooo!

A Tree

After announcing what they are, the tree throws both arms into the
air in a way that mimics tree branches, and remains frozen and
silent for the remainder of the sketch.

Why, a tree I would be!

A Bear

Dependant on the "Tree" role being present. Likely, the bear comes
just after the tree. Like the tree, the bear does not have any
lines after their initial announcement. The bear will begin
throwing back against the tree, ostensibly to scratch their back
as bears do in the wild, though it certainly appears that the bear
is putting on a show. The performers for the tree and the bear
should discuss beforehand if they are comfortable doing these
roles together, and discuss how much the bear intends to do, for
example, adding a moment where the bear turns around and kisses
the tree on the lips briefly may be comedic and unexpected, but
should certainly not be done if the tree does not want that.

Why, a bear I would be!

A Faunophile

Dependant on the "Bear" and "Tree" roles being present. Likely,
the faunophile comes just after the bear. The faunophile breaks
from format, and does not do a chant in the same measure as
everyone else. Instead, they begin cheering on the bear,
applauding and voicing how hot they think the bear's back-
scratching is.

Why, a faunophile I would be!

Awww yeah!
Aw that's what I'm talking about!
Wooo!
Woohoo!
Yeah!

A Loser

Breaking from format, the loser runs around and gesticulates
desperately, criticizing the other performers and telling them to
stop being what they are. Lines may be improvised or performed as
written. Likely, the loser is the last performer in the skit: at
some point midway through the loser's performance, the werewolf
will stop howling and go to the bear, if both are present, tap the
bear on the shoulder, and the two will whisper into one another's
ears and nod, and begin walking towards the loser. The faunophile,
if present, perhaps wanders away, hands in their pockets, kicking
at the ground and moping. Once the loser has criticized everybody,
the bear and the werewolf will run forth and carry the loser off
stage, the bear and the werewolf each grabbing under one of the
loser's arms as the loser tucks in their legs to facilitate the
carrying.

Why, a loser I would be!

To the faunophile: "No, you shouldn't find that sexy! Bears aren't
doing that for you, oh my god!"

To the bear: "Dial it back, bear! Do you know that you're
encouraging people to be zoophiles?"

To the audience: "And why are YOU watching this?"

To the werewolf: "You do NOT have permission to hump a wolf-wolf,
if you were thinking about it! I WILL call the police if I see you
at it!"

To the pirate: "PER. VERT. WHYYYY? Why would you want a manatee?
Why would you even want a mermaid, the fish half is the bottom!
MAYBE if you wanted a blowjob I could approve! And that's IF I
didn't think you would be thinking about the fish half during,
which seems doubtful given the manatee comment!"

To the philosopher: "A man is not an animal! I mean, man IS an
animal, but not in THAT way!"

To the dog breeder: "You're fine."

To the furry: "Oh my god, SHUT UP about maws and tails and knots!"

General Notes

Be confident and have fun! Project so that all can hear. The point
is that things get very chaotic and difficult to understand as the
skit goes on, so it is okay to be shouting over somebody else.