Arbitration

BRYCE and MATEO, the prosecuting attorneys, are sitting in an
office together, looking at a few items of discovery material.

BRYCE
Goddddd dammit.

MATEO
This isn't good.

BRYCE and MATEO are both currently looking at color-printed sheet
of paper that shows two images side by side; on the left is a
human's face with blonde hair and stubble, and on the right is a
Doberman who is photographed midway through licking his lips.

BRYCE
I hate how hot he is. God. Dammit.

MATEO
They're gonna have this really big?

BRYCE
Yeah, blown up on a big poster board, behind the defendant.

MATEO
Fuuuuuuuuuck.

BRYCE
Can YOU come up with a reason this shouldn't be admitted?

MATEO
I mean, that's him, isn't it?

BRYCE
Yeah, the left one is one of his old profile pics, the right one
is his current profile pic.

MATEO
I think they'll be allowed to put it up then.

BRYCE makes a pistol gesture with his hand, and pantomimes
shooting himself in the head.

MATEO
Yeah buddy, too late now, we just gotta go out there and make it
look like we tried everything we could.

BRYCE
Let's get this horseshit over with.

MATEO
That's the spirit.

BRYCE
Why did he have to be FUCKING HOT.

15 MINUTES LATER.

IN A MOCK COURTROOM.

The quote-unquote judge, JUDGE PARKER, is seated at the judge's
seat.

The Doberman seen in the picture earlier, TANGERINE BLAKE, is
seated nearby the judge in the witness stand. A bench has been
brought up for him to sit on in the witness stand, rather than
trying to make the dog sit awkwardly on a human chair.

Attorneys BRYCE and MATEO are seated at the prosecution table.
BRYCE is acting busy reading some papers in his hands.

Tangerine Blake's friends LISA, GABRIELA, ANA, ABBY, CAITLYN, and
ALICE are seated at the defense table. LISA is chewing bubble gum.

A jury of 12 is seated in the jury box.

The gallery is completely packed with spectators and media
reporters.

GABRIELA raises her hand.

JUDGE PARKER points to her with his gavel.

JUDGE PARKER
Yes, something you'd like to raise?

GABRIELA
Can we put up Tanjey's poster before we start?

JUDGE PARKER
Any objection?

BRYCE
Your honor we have reviewed the defense's last-minute discovery
material, and I am going to OBJECT to this so-called "poster"
being admitted into evidence, it is IRRELEVANT to the matter at
hand what Mr Tangerine Blake HAPPENED to look like BEFORE any of
the events in question. The older picture is in fact the one he
used on a different website than the one in question here today, I
see no reason this should be allowed to be presented.

JUDGE PARKER
Any other basis for your objection?

BRYCE
To clarify, I am specifically objecting to the left half of the
proposed exhibit. The right half, which reflects how Mr Tangerine
Blake looks today, I have no objection to, albeit that it may be
redundant with Mr Tangerine Blake before us here today. But the
left half, the much older photo, I don't think it should be shown,
it is NOT relevant, it has NO basis to be admitted.

JUDGE PARKER
Thank you. I will find that the exhibit IS relevant, based on
reviewing the defendant's outlined theory of defense. It also, I
believe, will help us better understand the context for... well, I
don't want to put words in anyone's mouth, but I believe the
photographs will help us all understand Mr Tangerine Blake's
background, inasfar as is relevant to this case's facts. So, YES,
Ms Gabriela, you may bring the image up to the witness stand. I
trust you will be marking this as Exhibit 1?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Yes your honor, the defense presents this image that Ms Gabriela
is bringing up here as Exhibit 1.

GABRIELA approaches the witness stand, and places a very large
printout of the image we have seen before up on an easel behind
the Doberman. After doing this, Gabriela cups her hand under the
Doberman's jaw, and gives him a big smooch on the side of the
muzzle. She then proceeds back to the defense table. As she is
returning to the defense table, TANGERINE BLAKE, the Doberman,
gives a kiss to the back of one of his own forepaws, and then
"blows" the kiss off of his forepaw aimed at Gabriela.

Some JURORS and some REPORTERS scribble down notes.

BRYCE sits with his head down, rubbing his forehead with his hand,
shaking his head.

JUDGE PARKER
Any other preliminary matters? From the plaintiff?

MATEO
No your honor.

JUDGE PARKER
From the defense?

TANGERINE BLAKE
No your honor.

JUDGE PARKER bangs his gavel.

JUDGE PARKER
We are here today to settle a matter, LyrpicsPages Vs Blake
Herington. On behalf of LyrpicsPages we have attorneys seated at
the prosecution table, and, on behalf of Blake Herington, we have,
Blake Herington himself, seated in the witness stand.
LyrpicsPages, which is... a social media website... brings the
allegation that Mr Herington, a user of this website, through his
conduct on the LyrpicsPages website, caused significant damages to
the website's public reputation. Furthermore, LyrpicsPages alleges
that Mr Herington's conduct was in violation of a user agreement
on the website, which, as one of its rules, expressly forbid using
the platform's services to transmit images of bestiality, which,
they allege Mr Herington did do. Have I misstated anything thus
far?

TANGERINE BLAKE
No your honor.

MATEO
No your honor.

JUDGE PARKER
See, I told you, I'm pretty sharp for at least the first five
minutes after I've had my first caffeinated beverage of the day.

TANGERINE BLAKE laughs amicably.

JUDGE PARKER
To be clear to the jurors and to the public, this is NOT a court
of law. HOWEVER, the parties have agreed that the decision we
reach here today WILL be honored by both parties, in a way which
WILL be considered legally binding. One big difference between
this and a real court is, we'll probably have this all wrapped up
before lunch and I might in fact bump into some of you in line at
the Chipotle on Jefferson, how 'bout that?

Polite laughter from the gallery, the jury box, the witness stand.

JUDGE PARKER
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you--

TANGERINE BLAKE
Your honor?

JUDGE PARKER
Oh, yes?

TANGERINE BLAKE
I believe eleven of the jurors are wearing nonbinary pride
accessories, I see some earrings, necklaces, a REALLY nice
flannel.

BRYCE's face is fully making contact with the table in front of
himself. MATEO is patting him on the back.

JUDGE PARKER
Oh! So I should instead say... citizens of the jury...

One JUROR snort-laughs very loudly, and then covers their face.
The laughter spreads to other jurors, the gallery, the defense
table, the witness stand.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Good, good citizens of the jury, it will be up to YOU to decide
the facts of this case, based on what is presented before you here
today. The attorneys representing LyrpicsPages will be asking that
the defendant fork over 1.2 million dollars for damages. The
defendant is making a counter offer of 0 dollars. It will be up to
you to decide an amount that the defendant will owe to the
plaintiff, whether that be 1.2 million dollars, 0 dollars, or
somewhere therebetween.

JUDGE PARKER
Thank you, Mr Herington.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Oh, you're totally welcome, and, please, I don't really go by Mr
Herington, I think just about everyone knows me as Tangerine
Blake.

ABBY
WE LOVE YOU TANJEY!!

JUDGE PARKER
Mr Tangerine Blake, being that you are the defendant in this
arbitration, you are allowed the floor first if you so choose, OR,
as the plaintiff is the one bringing the accusation against you,
you may defer the floor to them to explain their accusation, if
you so choose.

TANGERINE BLAKE
I would like to speak first.

JUDGE PARKER
Very well.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Good morning everyone. I don't know about all of you, but,
personally, all day I have been dreaming about the beach, with the
weather being as nice as it is today. Standing on the warm, warm
sand, and feeling this residual heat from Papa Sun himself
traveling up out of this baked ground, soaking the heat up through
my paw pads, standing there with my tongue lolled out, breathing
in the hot air rapidly so that it actually cools me off, and just
basking in how nice the day is. Going out into the heat to pant
and cool off, heh. I love it.

TANGERINE BLAKE (cont'd)
So, at the risk of sounding goofy, I want to clarify to everyone
that I am not a hologram. I am, in effect, a real Doberman
Pinscher. But, I wasn't always. Most of my life, I looked like
this guy, back here.

TANGERINE BLAKE turns and swipes a paw at the image behind
himself, indicating the left half of the image which shows a
human.

TANGERINE BLAKE
But then, in August of last year, I was Freaky Friday'd with a
Doberman Pinscher who I met at a party, and I have spent every
moment of my life since as an animal, while that Doberman is now
walking around with my former human body.

BRYCE
Your honor, I am going to OBJECT to the term "Freaky Friday'd" to
refer to Mr Tangerine Blake's change in appearance. I think
calling it "Freaky Friday"-ing implies some kind of karmic basis
for the body swap, some kind of grand moral lesson that both Mr
Tangerine Blake and the dog were supposed to learn from being
forced to live their lives as each other. I believe that that is
NOT the case, I believe that Mr Tangerine Blake simply lives such
a life of hedonistic indulgences and flippant decision making that
he simply was presented with the opportunity to body swap with a
dog and didn't even really think about it much before agreeing.

TANGERINE BLAKE laughs really, really genuinely.

TANGERINE BLAKE
You are COMPLETELY right about that. I can call it a "body swap"
instead of "getting Freaky Friday'd" if that makes things more
clear.

JUDGE PARKER
Very well.

TANGERINE BLAKE
So, um. Yeah, I body swapped with a Doberman Pinscher at a party,
and, that's why there is a talking Doberman Pinscher, talking to
you from the witness stand, that's all there is to that part of
it. To back up for more context... Basically, my job is being a
science communicator, mostly on the internet although I did have a
television show for a few years, and I have appeared in papers,
journals, what have you. But yeah, I make videos and blogs that
tell people about scientific investigations into different
questions of the universe. And it's not so much my job to find out
the answers to those questions myself, but it's... to make the
questions and the process of solving them interesting to a big
audience, so that more people, smarter people than me frankly, may
become interested in solving these things, and then we can all
grow, progress, advance, you know.

CAITLYN gives a cute playful wave to Tangerine Blake. TANGERINE
BLAKE does a little giggle and wags.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Caitlyn. But yeah so anyways, in the course of making these
videos, I have met quite a lot of other creators, at first I kind
of stayed within the science bubble, although, eventually I
started forming connections with all different types of
influencers. And it has come to be the case that, to meet all of
these people and foster constructive relationships with all
different types of creators, I attend a LOT of parties.

ANA gives a cute playful wave to Tangerine Blake, copying after
Caitlyn's wave. TANGERINE BLAKE again wags.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Ana. And so um, while attending these parties, you know, human
beings aren't all too different from our fellow mammals, as they
say, and, I have often had occasion to mate with females at these
functions. And, I guess, earlier on in my career, some people were
trying to paint this as scandalous, somehow? And, at the
encouragement of one of my dear friends who I was getting with at
one party, she said I should just film it, and post the videos
online. And so, that's what I started doing. Not every single time
I hooked up, but, pretty regularly, I will post videos of some of
the sexual escapades that I get up to at these parties. I just
post those among all of the science communication. It's just part
of the pastiche of a life being lived, you know?

ABBY waves.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hiii Abby. And so, bear in mind, this was all the case while I was
a human. And then, when I got body swapped with a dog, I guess it
didn't occur to me to stop posting these same kinds of videos.
Because, from my perspective, it's really kind of the same thing
as it ever was, I'm having sex with really enchanting women, and
sharing what a good time it is. It's sex positivity and it's also
just, you know, admittedly kind of fun to brag a little bit about
the beautiful people I get to spend such close time with.

GABRIELA and ALICE both wave.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Gabriela. Hi Alice. So, obviously, I am a dog now, and so it
looks like bestiality when I have sex with homo sapiens women.
And, like I said, I never really thought much about that I guess,
beyond going, ha, oh hey, some women are more into that than I
would have guessed.

GABRIELA waves again.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Gabriela. So, because this sex looks like bestiality now, I was
asked pretty severely NOT to post any more sex videos to any of
the big social media websites. I mean, I say I was "asked,"
actually what happened is in the course of 24 hours I was fully
banned from these places where I had a few hundred thousand
followers apiece, and then, over the following weeks, I was able
to get most of the accounts restored, but, the deal was that those
kinds of posts couldn't happen anymore, the ones I had already
made had to be deleted, and, I wouldn't be allowed to post new
ones of a similar nature, or I would get banned again. And, that
was disappointing. I wished people at these websites would see it
like I do, but, explaining my story didn't really change anyone's
hearts. Rules were rules, to these websites. But thennn...

TANGERINE BLAKE turns and stares directly at the prosecution
table.

BRYCE and MATEO both lean back in their chairs, meeting the
Doberman's stare. BRYCE fakes a small yawn, covering his mouth,
attempting to look bored.

TANGERINE BLAKE
A website I had never heard of, called LyrpicsPages, reached out
to me. They said that they were a social media startup, and that,
as long as I was never convicted on bestiality charges, they would
be eager to host any videos that I posted on their platform.

ALICE waves again.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hiii Alice. So, basically a win-win, I start posting my videos
again, the first one was with Alice and that felt SO good, you are
just, woof, you do things to me, you make me feel ways I like to
feel, baby.

ALICE gives an "oh stop, you," gesture.

CAITLYN leans over and nuzzles Alice.

ABBY puts a hand on Caitlyn's shoulder and begins massaging the
shoulder. CAITLYN turns to Abby, and CAITLYN and ABBY kiss.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Abby. So, yeah again, win-win for me and for LyrpicsPages, I
get to keep expressing this thing that others want me to feel
shame for and I'm like, ha, nope, and then LyrpicsPages also
gets... frankly all of their traffic, ALMOST, was from my videos,
for quite a number of months. Eventually the site did gain sooome
other viral attractions that brought more users in, but, my videos
of hooking up with friends remained the main thing that the
majority of users were coming to this website for. Figuratively
speaking, LyrpicsPages was my website.

BRYCE begins to make an objection, and then changes his mind.

JUDGE PARKER
From the prosecution table?

BRYCE
No your honor. The LyrpicsPages website is not, nor has it ever
been, in ANY sense, "owned" by Mr Herington. But he said he was
speaking figuratively, so, he is entitled to his opinion.

JUDGE PARKER
Okay. The witness may continue, if you had more.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Yeah! The whole reason we're here! Sorry for kicking off a chain
of events that miiighta led to everyone being HERE instead of the
BEACH on such a nice day, but uh, now that we ARE here, now we
have to talk at least briefly about the thing I did that was uh,
oops, was, heheh, well, what I did here was controversial, I
guess.

GABRIELA pantomimes a phone next to her head, and mouths to
Tangerine Blake,

GABRIELA
Call me. After this, call me.

ANA retrieves a red popsicle, seemingly from her purse, seemingly
already unwrapped. ANA and ABBY take turns licking it as Ana holds
it up between them.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Gabriela. Hi Ana. Hi Abby. So, very much on the theme of my
"flippant decision making," you know, just, doing things that feel
right in the moment... I was at a party. And, my friend Susan was
also at the party. And her girlfriend Megan was at the party as
well. And me and Megan really, really, and I mean REALLY hit it
off. We were like, magnetically being drawn into one another, I
just felt so... under the spell of everything she did. It just so
happens... that Megan is also a Doberman Pinscher. Susan, my
friend, is a human lady, and she happens to be girlfriends with
her Doberman Pinscher, whose name is Megan. And Megan isn't...
Well, no, I can't even bring myself to say, "Megan isn't a talking
dog like I am," because that seems so, so, so strongly to be
missing the mark. After the bond, that, CONNECTION, that me and
Megan shared that night, I fully believe regular dogs are blessed
the same as we are with VERY full, complete minds. There's no
difference. They are people in exactly the same way you and I are
people. But, Megan is a regular dog, quote-unquote, and that
becomes relevant to what happens next, that eventually brings us
all here today.

TANGERINE BLAKE (cont'd)
So, as you may see coming at this point, me and Megan hooked up at
this party. In that moment it just felt so obvious that it was
right to do. There was not even a moment where doubt arose to me
as an idea. Not any kind of inkling that, oh, this is, you know,
"bestiality," and so I shouldn't. I was having sex with my friend
Susan's girlfriend while Susan filmed it. It felt good, I felt
really happy with what Megan and I were sharing that night and
that Susan was on board with it and that we had all gotten to hit
it off so incredibly well. And um, woof, dog anatomy, of my own
breed no less, would you believe it felt like, OH, I have been
MISSING OUT, oh-KAY, yes MA'AM.

ALICE waves.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Alice. So, now we're here. Because Susan sends me the video,
and I post it to my LyrpicsPages profile, thinking, ha, people
will get a kick out of this one I bet, like, oh this is a little
funny, this is kinda filling a conclusion that seemed like it was
inevitably going to happen someday. I go home and I go to bed, not
thinking much about that side of all of it, I'm mainly still just
swimming in euphoria at the actual events with Megan and Susan,
you know. And then, the next day, I see that my profile has been
removed. And I google myself, and, I see headlines about,
Tangerine Blake, controversial edutainment influencer, at it
again. So uh. Oops. Here we go again, apparently.

TANGERINE BLAKE (cont'd)
So THAT is where LyrpicsPages has decided to say that I crossed a
line, where, they say that I did something that was beyond what
their invitation's scope had been. They also claim--and I dispute
this--that my activity on their website had ALWAYS brought shame
to their website. That. Is. Bogus. They invited me, in their own
words, EAGERLY, specifically FOR content that looks to the
untrained eye exactly like bestiality. If they didn't want me
anymore, fair enough, bygones can be bygones, but to act like this
hadn't always been EXACTLY the arrangement they wanted, and to
take legal action requesting 1.2 million dollars from me in
damages? Absolutely cowardly, pathetic, desperate, and
unflattering behavior from the LyrpicsPages team. People of the
jury, I would like you to send them home with 0 dollars today. I
think it's what is fair. I think it's the only measurement that
makes sense. Thank you.

CLAPPING erupts from the gallery. TANGERINE BLAKE wags.

ANA and ABBY have finished their popsicle and are now taking turns
dabbing the red residue off of each other's mouths with a damp
wipe.

TANGERINE BLAKE
And uh, I think at this point, just to cover any topics that I
might have glossed over too quickly, my friend Lisa was going to
ask me some questions to guide the conversation from here.

LISA swallows her gum.

LISA
Yes. First of all, I would also like to say, good morning,
citizens of the jury.

Smiling and general approval from the jury box and from the
gallery.

LISA
Tangerine Blake, have you ever received money to perform in
pornography, or otherwise been paid for any sexual services?

TANGERINE BLAKE
No, it's actually cost me quite a lot of opportunities
professionally.

LISA
Elaborate on that.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Many uh... traditional educational entities, are very averse to
working with someone who has had a sex video leak, or someone who
has shared one intentionally as is the case with me. I fully
believe that my sex videos are the basis for why my TV show was
never renewed in spite of it performing well. Although, I never
actually got much of an explanation from the network so I can't
say what the reasoning was for sure, they, mainly stopped
returning my phone calls, in a way that FEELS very similar to how
I've been ghosted by other traditional media entities. And so it's
stuff like that.

LISA
Are you married or engaged?

TANGERINE BLAKE
No.

LISA
Is anyone mad at you for the multitude of different sexual
partners you sleep with?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Yeah my aunt is concerned for my soul. Not everyone approves. But,
all of my sexual partners themselves are cool with it.

LISA
Are you heterosexual, bisexual, something else?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Um, it's mostly the ladies who make me feel really excited and
make me feel special, but I'm not afraid of penises, I have done
homosexual things now and then, like, just me and a cute man, it
has happened. Actually, one thing I really do like doing is going
down on a dude, WITH a woman, so it's like, me and her are on the
same team, it's like I've been invited to tag in on Team Woman,
and our goal or whatever is to suck this dude's dick super good
until he cums. And it IS gay but it BARELY feels gay when you're
kissing this woman and just happen to be doing it around this
phallus.

ANA play-faints onto Gabriela. ABBY, with a fold-out hand fan,
waves cool air at Ana.

BRYCE
Your honor, objection, this is OFF TOPIC.

JUDGE PARKER
Um. Sorry, I was, really following along, imagining that. I
forgot, um, what WAS the relevance of that description, to the
matter at hand?

LISA
I was getting there.

JUDGE PARKER
Okay, you can continue, just, keep the attorney's objection in
mind.

LISA
Roger. So, Tangerine Blake, circling back to the question, are you
saying that you are sexually active with primarily cisgender
women, occasionally cisgender men?

TANGERINE BLAKE
OH my gosh, sorry, I didn't even remember to clarify. Um, that IS
accurate, that MOST of these people are cisgender yes, but also a
nonzero number of them are not. There are genderqueer, trans, and
nonbinary folks who are part of what I was describing sometimes.

ALICE waves.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Alice.

BRYCE raises his hand, makes a "Well?" gesture at the judge.

JUDGE PARKER
Ms Lisa, I'm not completely sure that that has brought us closer
to the topic at hand?

LISA
Mr Tangerine Blake, these sexual escapades you describe, such as
going down on a dude alongside women,

ALICE waves.

LISA
were these things that you did when you had a human body, or that
you have started doing now that you have a dog body?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Alice. Lisa, the truth is, nothing changed. I did these things
as a human, and then when I was a dog, I just kept on.

LISA
Are you a dog?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Yes.

LISA
I don't have anything else your honor.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Thank you so much, Lisa. Your honor, the defense will now defer
the floor to the plaintiff for their case.

JUDGE PARKER
Very well. The floor is yours, attorneys for the LyrpicsPages
website.

MATEO
Thank you your honor, and thank you for taking us through the
background of all of this, Mr Tangerine Blake. People of the jury,
I am not here today to tell you that Mr Tangerine Blake is "evil."
I am not here with the power, NOR the desire, to put him behind
bars for anything he's done. But I want to be very clear about one
thing, and one thing alone: He cannot have it both ways.
LyrpicsPages eagerly offered him a platform on the basis that he
was still a human, and his HUMAN rights were being trampled upon.
A human does not have the right to have sex with an animal. If
after he switched, he had ALWAYS from that point forward had sex
with other dogs instead, then maybe THAT could have been the way
that he chose to have it. But to do one, and then the other? The
logic doesn't add up in his favor: any way you cut it, Mr
Tangerine Blake has performed bestiality. He CANNOT have it both
ways. Thank you.

BRYCE
Mr Tangerine Blake, did you read the user agreement on
LyrpicsPages, when signing up for the website?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Yes, I did read that very thoroughly, Mr Bryce.

BRYCE
Does the user agreement say anything about bestiality content?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Videos and pictures depicting bestiality are forbidden on the
LyrpicsPages website, according to the user agreement.

BRYCE
Did you ever upload any videos or pictures to the LyrpicsPages
website depicting bestiality?

TANGERINE BLAKE
I don't believe bestiality exists.

BRYCE
COME AGAIN?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Like I said earlier, between the consciousnesses of humans and the
consciousnesses of dogs, there is NO difference. We are the same
thing. Every living being. I am a dog and I am a human. Just like
I am a man but I've had fun playing on Team Woman in bed.

BRYCE
Are you proposing the argument that bestiality is morally good?

TANGERINE BLAKE
That would be an equally meaningless statement as "bestiality is
morally bad," to me. The "bestiality" keyword is a red herring, it
sounds alarming but it's not the thing that matters. If we were
talking about abuse, mistreatment, THAT would matter. If not, who
cares?

BRYCE
Mr Tangerine Blake, I cannot believe what I am hearing right now,
that BESTIALITY is somehow defensible in your view.

TANGERINE BLAKE
That's not really what I said.

BRYCE
So you DO think bestiality is wrong?

TANGERINE BLAKE
I think you're just making up misstatements to put in my mouth at
this point.

BRYCE
Mr Tangerine Blake, you can't keep dancing around these questions,
you need to commit to what your position actually is here.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Oh I'm very afraid of commitment.

Laughter from the gallery and the jury box. LISA sadly lets
herself slump over onto Gabriela, GABRIELA gives comforting pats
to Lisa.

BRYCE
Mr Tangerine Blake, how would YOU define bestiality?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Well that is the crux of our disagreement, maybe, is that I
WOULDN'T define bestiality. I DON'T care about whatever framework
would have to exist for bestiality to mean anything.

BRYCE
But you agreed to the user agreement?

TANGERINE BLAKE
I proceeded with making the account, so, yes, I think so.

BRYCE
But you had no intention of actually abiding by the user agreement
that you had agreed to?

TANGERINE BLAKE
I am saying that it would be impossible TO post bestiality
content, when bestiality isn't a real thing. And, again. You
invited a dog to the website to post his sex videos. So. I think
your position is very weak.

BRYCE
I don't need your opinion, Mr Herington.

JUDGE PARKER
Are you... done examining the witness, then?

BRYCE
Yes your honor, if he wants to sit up there and say one plus one
equals zero, I don't think there's much further that needs to be
extracted of him.

JUDGE PARKER
Very well. Any final remarks from the prosecution?

MATEO
People of the jury, I urge you to think logically. Mr Tangerine
Blake cannot have sex with two different species and claim that
neither act was bestiality. Mr Tangerine Blake agreed not to post
videos depicting bestiality. Mr Tangerine Blake posted those
videos. Thank you.

JUDGE PARKER
Any final remarks from the defense?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Science is not about memorizing the periodic table. Science is
about asking questions. Science is about asking WEIRD questions.
And then, science is about observation, and marking down the
answers to those weird questions, even if it leaves you realizing
that something you'd assumed before was actually incorrect, and
there is a much, much larger truth underneath. Why does the
talking dog say that there is no such thing as bestiality? Thank
you.

Gentle applause from the gallery. Members of the jury speak among
each other, with much nodding.

JUDGE PARKER bangs his gavel.

JUDGE PARKER
Ladies and--er, citizens of the jury, I suppose is what we've
decided to call you. I saw quite a bit of nodding among you just
now. Have you reached a verdict in this matter?

FOREPERSON
Yes your honor.

JUDGE PARKER
Do you have any questions that you would like the parties to
elaborate on before you render your verdict in this matter?

The jurors glance around among each other.

FOREPERSON
No your honor.

JUDGE PARKER
What is your verdict on the matter of LyrpicsPages Vs Blake
Herington?

FOREPERSON
Your honor...

End.